Wherever you are in your grief journey, but especially in the beginning, some days (probably even most days) your glass is going to feel like it's completely empty. Or maybe, it's going to feel like it's full of nothing but SH*#! On those days, you will feel drained of all energy, all hope, all life...those days will come. But they will go. They don't last forever. You will survive this terrible thing that has happened to you even though some days, it doesn't seem possible.
After Tom passed over, I began a series of recordings on my phone. I simply talked into it and let all my feelings, thoughts, anger, confusion, sadness, come spilling out. I haven't listened to most of them. It's too hard to relive it. That person in the recordings was soooo very, very sad. I cried and cried over and over, "I just want you back. I just want you back...Why did this happen...why, why, why?"
That was just over two and a half years ago now, and I'm not sure why I made those recordings. I think I just wanted to record my utter lostness, which isn't even a word, but I like it anyway. It works.
Now, I feel different. I'm still sad. I'm still confused. I still have so many questions. But I'm not throwing myself on the ground sobbing. I have hope again. And I have a very different perspective on life and death because I continue to explore my emotions and I continue to express them. I think I consciously worked at keeping my heart open to everything and everyone who has ever cared about me and I continue to love and care about all the people I've always loved and cared about. I became curious about life and death in a way I never had before. I'm not going to pretend I didn't have some very, very bad days. I'm sure my patient and loving husband and two other (and wonderful) children were at times very worried about me. But I kept going. And my family and friends took care of me when I needed them to. I am lucky.
I believe that you too will get through your pain, loss, and grief. But it isn't easy. I am forever changed. I didn't ask for any of this. I didn't want it. I didn't need it in order to feel blessed and lucky or loved by my family or to appreciate my son. I always knew I was lucky and loved. I knew Tom loved me and our family and he certainly knew that he was loved and that we would have done anything to help him.
We must stay strong by caring for ourselves and others. Keep our hearts and minds open to love and life even when it seems random and cruel. If we stay true to our loving selves, I believe that some day, our glasses won't feel so empty. They may even be full of something wonderful that we never believed was possible. That's what this sharing space is about. I am hoping that by helping myself...exploring and sharing my journey, I may be of some small help to others too. So please, share your journey with me. Together, maybe we can make a difference.