Yesterday I woke up feeling blue. I felt unsure about almost everything that I'm doing with my time...whether or not I'm fulfilling my life's purpose AT ALL! Doubts about whether or not I'm helping anyone other than myself or whether I'm a good friend or mother or wife or anything...on and on with doubts! And of course, at the bottom of it all was my sadness over losing Tom. I'm not sure why I was so gloomy. I got a good night's sleep. I had a nice get away with my husband for our anniversary. Everything is going well. No problems at this moment. I know how lucky I am. And lately, I've been waking up feeling quite perky and my first thoughts have NOT been about my loss. But I'm human, and I suppose there were days like this before, and there will always be days like this going forward. That's normal. That's life!
But it's also true that because of my grief and loss, I have to be especially vigilant about my thoughts. And so I reminded myself about my spiritual practice of presence -- accepting that THE NOW is as it is because it cannot be otherwise. If I can do that, I can be in alignment with the intelligence and power of LIFE itself. So I sat quiet and still and I waited. After a few minutes, the wind chime that my husband just bought me for our wedding anniversary moved in the breeze. The tone is very zen...not at all annoying (I hope!). I took that to mean I should go outside. It was calling to me and so I went. I sat on a chair at the top of my backyard (we have a rather steep slope with a nice view at the top) and looked around. If I made this a regular habit, I would call it a sit spot. But I don't. And I should because almost immediately, my blues evaporated. I sat for probably twenty minutes or so and I saw and heard all kinds of things...bees pollinating the cape honeysuckle, hummingbirds zooming, birds chirping, apples ripening, overgrown tomato plants dying, and best of all, I saw a lizard catch and eat a bee. Apparently, they're immune to the sting/venom. It was fascinating. I realized that all around me was life and death and beauty and bounty...trees and flowers, herbs and fruits, reptiles and birds...and it was so overwhelmingly beautiful! And it was all in my own backyard. And I realized that I hadn't visited my own garden in quite a while. And I heard a voice in my head say, tend your own garden.
And so the message I received from the universe was:
Spend some time in your garden -- it needs it!
WAKE UP! You have everything you need to connect with what's important...everything you need to be your best self...your true essence is already available to you. It's all around you and within you. Just hold on to that truth and everything else will fall into place...it will all be okay.
Spend more time looking at flowers and trees and listening to the birds...
And put away your tools -- rust is no good for them!
And so, I smiled and cried a little. I felt the love of the universe which may sound corny or too New Agey but in that moment, I was overwhelmed with loving compassion for myself and humanity and I felt calm -- completely at peace. And I was grateful. And a bit awed. I still am.